Snapshots
*At the pediatrician’s office because our daughter had a suspected migraine. When the doctor comes in and pulls up her chart, my daughter smiles and lights up, “Mama! It says ‘female!’”
*A friend leans over and cries on my shoulder at a Missouri House of Representatives committee hearing. Someone had mentioned all of the families planning to move because of the legislation the Republicans were pushing forward. At this same hearing I am tying and retying a stretchy fidget into knots, trying to put all of my pain and anger into that little toy.
*A neighbor tells me about a school district who has announced that they will not follow a law to ban trans kids from school sports. She is in her 80s and tells me “good luck, kiddo” as I walk across the lawn to my door.
*Bursting into tears as I reorganize my home office, staging it for potential sale. I know that it looks good . . . it just no longer looks like mine.
*My daughter, looking at the name change form that I left on the couch, “why does this say (deadname)?” I explain that I am required to write her legal name in order to change it to her real name. She understands, but her entire body has sunk.
*Taking a deep breath when a Senator’s staffer tells me we will have to “agree to disagree” on the gender of my child. I firmly, but calmly tell him that my daughter’s gender is not a matter of debate. He still thinks it is perfectly normal to keep a second grader from playing sports with her friends. He tells us, “There are deep emotions on both sides.” when a friend explains that our families will not be able to stay in Missouri if they ban gender-affirming healthcare that is deemed essential by every major medical and psychological association in the United States.
*Waking up from a dream where I wept while begging people to vote to discover my daughter climbed into bed next to me sometime in the night.
*A birthday party with decorations that astound my kids. Bright eyes staring in wonder at the photo backdrop. She is having so much fun. My brain interrupts, “is this the last birthday party she will have in this house?”
*“Look, Mama! A trans flag!” She poses for a picture next to the flag in front of her favorite pizza place. The photo smile is big and genuine — a rarity for posed pictures. This place has her favorite vegan pepperoni. And she feels seen when she walks up to their window to order a slice.