Separation
(So often) I feel like a failure. I question everything. Mostly myself. My decisions. My ability to provide what I promised — a place to thrive. I’ve tried for days, months, years to build something meaningful, something that will carry us. And the result is a single brick. Not a wall or even a step — one. solitary. brick. Sometimes it feels like even that is crumbling.
Today marks four months since I began writing a weekly multigenerational devotion. It has had one subscriber the entire time. I kept thinking I just hadn’t found its audience. Maybe they are still out there. Building an online community, ministry is hard. And my imposter syndrome is very loud. I’m here hoping that I’m not just speaking into the wind — and hoping it is enough if I am. The wind, however, has not been great at paying the bills.
I wonder if I moved us out here only to fail. If I fail, I wonder how we are meant to move on (if you can’t afford to stay, how can you afford to go? And to where?). What if I can’t do this? What if I fail my kids? Have I already?
In a few days we will mark 6 months here. The 6-month mark is known to be a time of homesickness, of panic, of everything I’m feeling. I’ve known to expect the wall, and it doesn’t help it feel easier.
Today I am thankful for the lectionary for handing me Romans 8. “Who will separate us from the love of Christ?” I’ve been thinking about all the things that have led to us being here. I’ve been thinking of all those who hear from the church that God doesn’t, couldn’t love them. I’ve been thinking about all the ways the church tries to separate, tries to say that queerness, transness, poverty, disability are places God draws the line. . . and how God keeps taking a hammer to that line. In this time when I don’t know what to think or hope for . . . when future is hard to see — the Spirit is sitting with me, singing without words with me and for me. Loving me. Loving you. I don’t know what it means, but it is enough.
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Dearest Jennifer, I do not pretend to know what the answers are at this stage, but you are Not a failure. You have worked over time, step by step through different approaches over time as the threat grew, and you have taken these steps in faith - not knowing what the path ahead would require. Yes, you are 6 months into the most difficult step (we hope). You are still stepping out in faith every day and we will continue to hold faith with you.